


Crouching Bull, Hidden Tortoise

by KaiWay



Category: Kung Fu Panda (Movies)
Genre: M/M, Multi, crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-27
Updated: 2019-10-27
Packaged: 2021-01-04 08:21:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21194564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KaiWay/pseuds/KaiWay
Summary: a crack ship-fic that isn't meant to be taken seriously





	Crouching Bull, Hidden Tortoise

a long time ago in a land far from the realm of the living was the spirit realm, a place where all the kung fu masters roamed and became hornier than a tipo fan for tiger tiddies and feet due to the sex energies of the realm being absorbed by the masters, and the masters contributing with their own chi. this resulted in great horny chi powers, but as the great confucius once said ‘’with great horniness comes great irresponsibility’’ 

confucius was absolutely right- their horniness created a gaping hole both figuratively (and literally) in their physical forms and responsibility of watching over the spirit realm. a really horny spirit warrior by the name of kai sought to capture the sex energies of all the kung fu masters including his former brother oogway who had defeated him by way of the power of chi dick combat and banished him to the spirit realm, albeit oogway suffered the consequences - he had contracted erectile dysfunction and lacked viagra.

while kai couldn’t properly use the power of chi dick in the mortal realm, he now could due to the sexual energies that enhanced his strength. he swept through the spirit realm like chlamydia and bludgeoned the orifices of the masters with his hooves and chi dick, taking their sexual energies in the process. once their sexual energies were taken and absorbed through his chi dick, their physical forms were hollowed out and they were turned into lifeless jade pendants which kai hung from his loincloth and sometimes reanimated them for sexual favors, but sometimes he did the latter without reanimating them. 

kai’s sexual conquest across the realm had brought him to an angry and angsty mongolian named tai schlong dong. he had a gigantic chest that could easily earn him the name tai swolo, and a massive ass that stood out through his purple pants that tigress could easily rip into with her mouth. tai dong was trying to enjoy his own chi dick, but at the sight of his chi dick kai merely laughed.

‘’and what do you laugh at, old cow? my name is tai lung, the great dragon!’’ 

kai simply chuckled at his retort, seeing how washed up and regressively mortal he was. to kai, he was nothing more than a comedic folly. but for his follyness his sexual energy was immense. kai could not refuse such an opportunity for power.

‘’you do not benefit yourself, great dragon. you are nothing more than an obstacle to me, but a benefit to my power of the sexual energies and the full mastery of the chi dick.’’

tai schlong glanced at the sheath of his chi dick, which was contradictory to the great dragon name. looking at kai’s chi dick, he started to scream and curse at his past father figure shifu for naming him something so embarrassing. he felt shrunken in the presence of kai’s chi dick.

in a bout of anger, tai dong tried to bolt at kai but kai was able to slap tai schlong in the face with his chi dick, blasting him across the realm. accidentally, tai lung ran his chi dick into the titanic which sailed across the realm, killing everybody on board. 

kai blasted himself at tai lung, propelled by the captured sexual energies of the masters. at this point, the mood and physical atmosphere of the spirit realm began to change. the bright golden sexual energies that held together the realm had turned into a sickly viridian and blue, corresponding with the battle between kai and tai dong. 

tai lung had gone airborne in order to get a strike in on kai, his claws now unsheathed and what was left of his chi dick directly aimed at kai. but before he could do this kai threw his giant jade swords at tai lung, the chains enraptured him in an embrace that could only mean kai wanted tai dong.

‘’you will make a wonderful asset to the pendants hung down below by my groin, and better yet your sexual energy will be put to better use than it ever was in your mortal life..’’ 

kai continued to rope in tai lung, a grin going across his face as he watched the snow leopard come closer with every pull. tai dong weeped, for he knew his chi dick was inadequate and his fate sealed but he continued to fight as he came closer to meeting his doom. kai had roped him in so close that he could practically feel the warm air from kai’s gigantic ass nostrils on him. 

‘’..kitten’’ 

kai suddenly bit down on tai lung’s huge ass neck and gave him a hickey. tai lung was washed in immense pleasure and felt his chi dick become one with kai’s. tai lung reached for kai’s actual dick and started groping him, but kai quickly moved his hand away and chained both of them behind his back.

kai whipped out tai lung like a fucking beyblade and spun him in the air, making sure he was fully chained up. kai grabbed tai lung in an embrace and shubbed him down, gripping his asscheeks with firm strength and using his weight to keep him down since kai is pretty beefy but a default fat ass. before he could eviscerate tai lung in a pool of sexual chi energy and use his chi dick to absorb it, he grabbed tai lung’s tail and rammed it up his ass and continually did so, using it as a dildo. 

preparing to end tai schlong dong long dragon dong, kai got into a stance by spreading his legs apart from each other and ripped off his loincloth, seeking to experience the ultimate chi pleasure. in this stance, his buttox were spread far apart and he put on a Magnum XXL condom preparing to penetrate tai buttdong. his chi dick entered the orifice of tai dong, thrusting his sheath continually into his ass without stopping. kai wrapped his body around tai lung, both of their ball sacks flapping like candles in the wind. tai lungy lung dong tried to suppress his pleasure, but simply could not.

in a final act of adding insult to injury, kai pulled his chi dick out and tai nowfuckedoutofhismind collapsed, viridian energy melting out of his ass. he manifested the object that had been tai lung’s suffering for years. kai was not one for being poetic, but in this case he was quite the john steinbeck. with much force, he rammed the dragon scroll into tai lung’s bulbous ass and used it like a dildo, much like he did with tai dong’s tail. he fisted the scroll further and further into tai lung, and squeezed his chi dick through the slot of the scroll and finally finished in tai lung, eviscerating him into sexual chi energy which kai absorbed. kai rested his chi dick on the ground, chi dicko energy leaking all over the pendant of tai dong. he picked the pedant up and stared quite pleasurably at it. 

‘’unlike viagra longneck, you actually gave me a good time.’’ 

he then placed the pendant of tai schlongy closest to his groin, his dick more erect than the pagoda of gongmen city.

‘’now, to find longneck..’’ 

kai began to walk off, his loincloth laying discarded on the glossy viridian floor with the light and colors reflecting off his shiny fat ass. before he could walk away or use his more powerful chi dick energy to find viagra longneck, a blur of white came out of the sky in a graceful and heroic manner. 

‘’stop! i shall not allow you to find the sexual chi dick energy master oogway, for i am white tiger!’’

kai turned around and grunted. before him stood a carbon copy of tai long schlong dongy dong hong kong, except he was a tiger and not a snow leopard, but his build was exactly the same and his fur was white.

‘’another tai schlong? or are you the original?’’

‘’what? who is this tai lung?

white tiger was exasperated, he had been called an exact copy of tai lung before but decided to remain quiet about knowing who tai lung was.

‘’how many leopards can i have fun with? hopefully you’re as pleasurable as the other kitten’’ 

white tiger charged at kai, chi blasting straight out of his hands like an anime character. kai was blasted back a ways, but the chi had been imbued in his biceps, which felt like a knife stuck in his arm. 

in a look of horror, white tiger realized what he had done. he had given his sexual chi energy to kai, who was now more powerful and skilled with the chi dick. kai smirked and laughed hysterically, flexing his biceps which irradiated powerful chi energy enveloping white tiger and pulling him toward kai. in an effort to thwart kai’s attack, he summoned his chi to form a powerful dick which slapped kai and put him off balance. white tiger was able to put in a few punches and kicks before kai had enough. kai jumped into the air and summoned his chi dick to immobilize white tiger long enough so that he could decimate his ass, which also bulged against his red pants like tai lung. 

he quickly held down white tiger and rubbed his jade swords against his chest in an arousing way, and ripped off his pants and turned him over like a fucking pancake, exposing his golden side. he had gotten pent up quickly after absorbing some of the energy, but he needed more. he ripped through him like the ratings of mr ping on tinder, and quickly absorbed more of his sexual chi energy.

‘’not as pleasurable as i expected, although his fighting and strength were truly adversary to my own.’’ 

kai chuckled. he put up more of a fight than tai lung, but he was still merely as weak. white tiger was only skilled in kung fu, not a god as he claimed to be. the only one who could give him a real challenge was his former brother.

‘’now if there’s no more obstacles, i shall seek out viagra longneck..’’

kai finally walked away from the places of his opponents destruction, their sexual energy seeping off him as he went in search of the tortoise master of chi dicks.


End file.
